home
Hello! Welcome to this little corner of the internet.
If you’re looking for my contact details, they’re here. If you’re looking for something I wrote, contact me.
The rest of this page is (very) personal letters.
Peace and love!
To F.,
(Jun 1, 2021)
It’s been quite a long time since the last time we spoke… almost a year. Weeks turn into months, months turn into years, and even years eventually become decades… and so much happens. Every moment can be a magical experience, if we stop and really feel it. Every day can be an adventure, if we just let it. As I’m writing this, the night sky above me is gently shining full of stars, and soft clouds are calmly floating right under those stars, shaped as whales and fairies and dolphins and eagles. Silent black outlines of trees are standing, sleeping around me, each tree with its unique shape.
And that soft, sweet voice of yours is playing in my thoughts. Speaking your ideas, your dreams, your excitements, your worries, your hopes, your challenges. Your outlook on life. And your words inspire me.
I must admit, as I’m wondering what to write about, I’m sensing hesitation in me. And fear, pain, under it. The first voice in my head is starting with “it’s not fair”. And I’m looking inward, to see what it is that I’m missing, what need of mine isn’t getting met. My first guess, in this self-empathy exercise, is that I need fairness. To know that challenges and tasks and their fruit are shared equally. But very quickly, I can see that it’s not it. It’s not fairness. Actually, at least since I was a little kid, fairness has never been a big thing for me. It doesn’t seem to be something I care much about. So I keep looking inward… I need contact, close warm meaningful contact. Most of all, with my loves ones. Recognizing the situation, of us being apart, another need comes up: To be understood, seen, supported, hugged, in this situation.
And now I understand why I was hesitating. Although we’re apart, there are things we’re sharing. Perhaps many things. One of them, is that we don’t know what’s going on with each other. I don’t have any clue about what’s going on in your life. And I’m guessing you don’t know what’s going on in mine. I can perhaps sense your energy, and you can perhaps sense mine, and that’s it. I guess this gives me some subconscious support: The knowing, that just like I wonder how you’re doing, you may be wondering about me. When I imagine writing some actual stuff about my life and not just vague poetic expressions of my feelings, the pain and hesitation come because I immediately realize, that perhaps we wouldn’t be sharing that not-knowing anymore.
Because as soon as you read my words here, you’d know what’s going on in my life. But I still wouldn’t know anything about yours. And I’d be alone in this not-knowing.
I’m also noticing a judgement in my head, a self judgement. A voice that tells me I’m weak. That I’m boring. That if I wrote things about myself, the mystery about me would turn into plain simple details, and there would be nothing interesting about me for you to be interested in. The simplicity of my daily life would be revealed.
This self judgement, I’m reminding myself, is here to tell me something. It, too, is pointing me towards something that’s missing for me. And the thing I’m missing is to be seen, understood, appreciated, for exactly who I am. To be known, to have someone with a shared world view, to be able to just speak freely and understand each other without effort. I’m also missing confidence in myself, in what I can offer to others, confidence in the value of my presence.
Realizing all of this, I’m now reminding myself I have a lot to offer and to give, and that other people’s thoughts don’t define me. And now I really want to write a few words about what’s going on with me! I don’t know if you visit here and read these little letters of mine, but if you do, I hope this gives you something pleasant:
I’m volunteering in a food forest, away from cities and the madness of capitalism, enjoying the connection with nature. Planting, watering. Writing a story. Facilitating empathy circles, wishing to do them more often. Doing nonviolent communication workshops. I haven’t done one lately, but I’m doing one very soon, and I’m excited! And a bit nervous. Feels good to be doing stuff that is meaningful to me, to work on how people communicate, to create a healthy spiritual culture, and to be passing my knowledge to people. I’ve been very involved in activism and nonviolent direct action, in Extinction Rebellion and in Animal Rebellion. I’m barely touching my software project, but I do hope to make more progress with it somehow sometime.
You’re on my mind, every day. I’m so so grateful. And I miss you, so so much.
I’m sending you all my love. From all my heart. And tons of hugs and kisses!
(Apr 14, 2021)
I miss you. More than words can describe. I wonder what spring looks like by you. And what’s on your mind right now. Are you sitting or standing. What are you feeling. My notebook is full of poems related to you… I wonder, will you read them someday, somehow. And what does it feel like, to appear so much in someone’s thoughts and notebooks. Even if that someone is so far away. Is it pleasant in some way. I suppose it’s at least definitely magical, to me, that people can be connected despite being so far apart. Apart in space and time.
You’re always on my mind.
Sending you my love. Hugs and kisses.
(Mar 1, 2021)
I. Miss. You. How are you doing? How is life?
(Dec 16, 2020)
I miss you. So so so, so so much. It’s truly beyond words, the unique and magical inspiration you are to me. How are you? How have you been? What are you feeling right now? What were you feeling yesterday? And a week ago? If I were next to you right now, what could I do to enrich your life, to make your life more wonderful, to contribute something, even just in that moment of presence?
Time passes. Life passes. What are we doing with it? What shall we do before we rot back into dust? I wonder if you wonder about this too. Perhaps you also wonder whether I wonder about this too.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
(Oct 7, 2020)
(Sep 19, 2020)
I miss you.
(Aug 17, 2020)
<3 <3 <3
(May 19, 2020)
<3
(Mar 8, 2020)
<3
(Mar 1, 2020)
I miss you. So so so so so much.
Pencils need sharpeners. When a pencil doesn’t have its sharpener, the pencil’s edge gradually turns blunt, and the writing blurry. It withers like a thirsty flower. But what about pencil sharpeners, do they need pencils? Does it matter to the sharpener, whether it gets to sharpen a pencil, and which pencil it is? What would you prefer to be - a pencil, or a sharpener?
In the physical world, there are trash cans into which drafts, letters, poems, stories, are thrown. In the world of thoughts and feelings and dreams and souls, is there a spirit equivalent of such a trash can, into which all the untold stories go? All the unshared thoughts? All the unspoken feelings, all the uncried tears? All the unfulfilled dreams? All the hopeless fantasies? All the unwhispered words? All the lonely smiles? All the unhugged hugs, all the unkissed kisses? All the unmended cracks of broken hearts? All the untasted sweetnesses, all the unheard songs?
I have a song too! But there’s no digital recording of it. Perhaps one day somehow you could hear it. If you did though, you’d know, that it’s this song that I have.
I love you. Sending kisses and hugs.
Me, fantasizing about calling you and hearing your voice
(Feb 25, 2020)
<3
(Feb 14, 2020)
Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish you love, warmth, sweetness, to be in the arms of the close people you love, and for them to be in yours. I wish you happy celebration of the wonderful sweet magical heavenly deep connection that people can share, and I wish you the wonderful fulfilling deep meaning that it brings. <3.
(Feb 3, 2020)
I miss you so so sooo much. You’re in my heart and on my mind all the time. I’m sitting here, imagining where you may be in this moment. What you may be doing. What you may be feeling. What you may be thinking.
I wrote a new song. I wonder if somehow sometime you’ll hear it. I wonder, if you heard it without knowing I wrote it, whether you would see yourself in the words. Between the words. Whether you would know, that the song is about you.
…
A little something for you, that touched me and I’d like to share with you: this and this and also this and perhaps scroll here :)
…
The whole universe hasn’t expanded enough to contain the size of how much I miss you.
T. <3
This page is public so I can’t write much here; I write a lot more in my letters, which are being collected here, new ones at the bottom.
I did listen to some bits from the first episodes. Heard you :) and some words about you. And everything is okay. No anger. No grey clouds. Only pink clouds and a rainbow. I promise. <3
…
History of changes to this page can be found here.